Not a place to catch up.

I've spent the past 24 hours being very sick. I don't recommend it. The frailty of my body is easily forgotten until days like the one I just had... when my body rejects everything inside it, leaving me chilled, dehydrated and weak. I'm horizontal, again, while I type (a convenience of computers). I spent a few hours up, but started to feel nauseous so back down I go in hopes that the toast and juice I had this morning might actually stay with me.

It was pointed out to me this week that I tend to write about what I'm thinking about, but not necessarily what I'm doing. -That this is not a place to catch up on what's new in my life. I don't know if I'm sorry about that. My day to day living has felt  heavy of late, making it the kind of thing I'm not sure there's much value in sharing.

After my dad died last summer, I formed a whole new relationship with anger and impatience that I hadn't had previously. Now, the anger has dissipated, but the impatience has remained. It exhibits most frequently at work with customers. It's harder for me to be gracious when someone looks at me as if I'm the dumb one when they have neither title nor author to help me locate the book they want. "But it's about economics and history in the western world. It was in the New York Times Book Review sometime between August and November." This was from a lawyer. If any station should make a person aware of the nature of social contracts his should. Instead he stood there looking at me as if to say, "Come one, what else are you going to do to help me find this?!" -This after I'd spent the past 15 minutes typing every type of search imaginable, actually pulling up the New York Times Book Review list, etc., etc., ...  It makes me crazy the leeway people ask for. Sometimes I want to ask, "Do you really want me to require so little of you? Do you really want to muddle through asking people to constantly compensate for your perceived helplessness?" Ayn Rand comes to mind a great deal, times like this. I did finally locate the book the lawyer wanted by allowing him to log onto a website where he'd previously purchased the book. Ask me if I respect or would ever hire him; him with his passive, polished, very courteous laziness. There are moments when I think I do not do anyone any favours by holding my tongue and being "helpful" instead of requiring more from the man/womankind I live alongside. There has to be a place where grace and responsibility meet. I think its name is mercy.

There are two real life, actually going on things in my life. It's enough for, now. In early December I wrote, I hope that if you read here, you are served well in exchange for any time given. I hope that writing out what/how I see, keeps you awake to Life. Somehow, in my mind writing "what's new" generally precludes that aim. I'll keep testing it out, though.